Shiney what nots along with a side of cynical thoughts...ENJOY!: February 2009

ok so valentines day is over and I survived. I gave money to a person I like so they could have a good time at the strip club! how sad!!!!!! also i took a vicodin, darvecet, and an allergy pill for my ear and washed them all down with a raspberry vodka squirt soda drink. It was good! I'm still drinking right now actually. I think I'm stoned too ha ha ha ha! I thought it would be difficult to be alone on valentines day this year but it wasn't. I took tai to the airport, went to work gave mom chocolate and card and made myself a drink! lol

I think last year was hard because I was surrounded by couples, I mean there was Rosie and Brian, Megan and Greg, Tyler and Kelsey, and Kari and kyle. Becky was at a party and I was alone...the dinner at the eating hall was romantically designed for two people. So i went to McDonald's lol. Watched will and grace and went to bed! Yep that's my life!!!

Today dear blog reader I must impart a voice of written sadness. This afternoon I had a conversation with my momma. She said she married my dad because she loved him but not in a head over heals kinda way, and that kinda scares me. What if I end up in a relationship with someone who I love but never loved in a giddy can't live without them way? Or worse yet what if I stay single forever? They shoot single people don't they? My friend tai tried to set me up with someone on facebook, of course I would have preferred meeting them in public but before we even got the chance they found a real photo of me in my pics and instantly said and I quote, "Hell NO!!!" lol Its all good tho I can't be a muscle fit guy so no need to cry! lol I also thought on the same note that most people are attracted to physically fit people. So where does that leave the fat ppl? Should we date ourselves? I mean if we both fat I'm trying to find their junk they tryin to find mine after 5 minutes my ass wore out and I say fuck it lets go get a fish box, get the hell off of me!! lol It is strange tho, this week on Monday i took my single and fabulous ass to lunch at Red Robin on 40 highway without any of my dinning alone armor. (no book, newspaper, or blue tooth piece in my ear so I can look like I'm talking to somebody) As soon as I entered they asked how many and I said just me, instantly I got a look of pity and disgust. I sat down ordered a chicken salad and an iced tea (ps my waiter was kinda rude which is why he got 2.50 for a tip). After I ate and was looking around the room I noticed mothers with their children and co-workers all a buzz in the dinning room. I was surrounded with people who had someone to eat with. What if I do not have that luck? Parents only count on Sunday at dinner.

I understood what my life could possibly be like and I didn't like. I know looks aren't everything but they do count a little more than they used to. I want to be remembered for more than just the guy who sits alone all the time and eats by his self in the corner. Unfortunately the reality of being an artist is that you won't be celebrated until your dead for 50 years! Which sucks a whole lot.

I often think what my life would be like if I let people constantly hurt my feelings. Probably shitty as it is now i suppose lol. I have a huge fear of singing in public thanks to my friends who tell me I can't sing for shit. The only time I sing is when I'm in the car by myself and the music is so loud that my ear start to hurt. I love P!nk she is the best artist at putting to music what I feel! lol We on the same page girl!! I fear Valentines day like it is the black plague!!! Last year I slept through it. This year will be the same except I work for four hours. I loose hope in humanity every time a young child is murdered whether they are straight, gay or just too trusting. I hated high school its a wonder I didn't drop out and become a life-er at the Groves. I wish my dad liked me, soon after I move out he have one more reason not to love me anymore. My mom is my hero, she puts up with so much and knows me better than Jesus lol! I often think about dying alone and often fallen asleep in tears to that thought. I believe in second chances more than anyone I know yet sometimes I need to know when enough is enough.

I'm too sarcastic and rude it is all a front tho, because I don't want people to know how easily bruised i am by peoples hateful comments. I question myself and sometimes I do it so much that I end up in tears. I love my friends from Nebraska and can't wait to see them. Celine Dion is my emotional therapy along with pink and Britney ah ha ha ha!!!

A good person once told me that you can't fall in love with someone unless you love yourself. Well, I don't love me and I haven't since I started seeing a shrink so needless to say I probably won't fall in love. For along time I made relationship scenarios with certain people in my mind and almost believed it to be true. Wake up everyday in the hopes that everything was just a bad dream, unfortunately that's reality. I don't why I am typing this all but it feels good to let it out. If i could summon up my life in one musical it would be a cross between two Rent and Wicked. I don't believe I will go to heaven because of certain things. I wish my cousin talked to me again even tho no one else in my family likes him. I still do. I believe in Britney spears and wish her the best for her tour especially since I will be there lol. I want to be nicer to everyone especially my friends even tho they hurt my feelings constantly. I adore Kathy Griffin. I fear death but only because I think mine won't be very peaceful.